Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.