Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
mathematically impossible
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car