“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids