😂😂
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“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.