Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow