Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK