Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You Might Also Like
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head