WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”