My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
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I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”