applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Can’t stop laughing
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”