Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
You Might Also Like
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.