pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
You Might Also Like
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.