Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You Might Also Like
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Every work call, he judges.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“I wouldn’t.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …