nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I know this now 😂
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
uh oh
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.