*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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I never needed anything more in my life
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
HR said no more nunchucks.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.