Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.