“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.