People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.