Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
thank god the sign was there
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Strangers have the best candy.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.