Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”