Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
he’s doing your taxes
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.