“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Dyslexics are teople poo!
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.