Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
This makes total sense…
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.