Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
lumberjacks will cut a birch