I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
constantly working on myself.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it