Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Batman v Dracula
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.