Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.