rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Noah was an idiot.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.