Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
this country is so goddamn polarized
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.