How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”