A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*