“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.