I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.