Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked