Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
This has made my week.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”