[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Noted.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic