Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth