Yo. I spit out my drink 馃槀
You Might Also Like
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
me: slip out of that little red thing you鈥檙e wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I鈥檓 retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Ladies, if he鈥檚 never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe鈥檚 not your man, he鈥檚 tacos
Farmer: You鈥檇 like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell