I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house