me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
the red hot silly peppers
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
This did not end as expected.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin