REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
saving face 👀
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles