{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
6: are snakes just neck?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.