“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
When I snag the last meatball.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.