You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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[on my way back to the posting caves]
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Don’t we all.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.