They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours