AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.