So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy