today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember