ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Only Americans understand
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”