I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Isn’t
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen